I find myself writing this blog entry with about a thousand
thoughts bouncing around in my head.
I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while, and hope that I can
keep myself organized enough to convey my thoughts on the topic. I think that no matter what age you
are, you can always improve and try to be better. It’s certainly not easy, it can be tiring, and often the messages
that you receive that enable you to improve can be difficult to hear from
others. It would be far easier to
ignore that feedback and just stay the way you are. However, it takes more courage and strength to accept where
you’re at and where you need to go.
As someone who is very sensitive to the views of others, and
how I am perceived by others, I tend to be very sensitive when it comes to
feedback. Initially, the feedback
can cut very deep and bring out some intense emotions about being viewed
negatively. I know I shouldn’t be
so hung up on what others think, and trying to please others. However, as someone who is programmed
to please other people, it’s just the way I am. Also, after I’ve had the chance to process the feedback, I
often realize that while I find the message difficult to hear, there are always
nuggets of information that help me improve. I realize that I have one of two choices. I can take the feedback and use it to
make myself a better person, or I can ignore the feedback and stay the way I
am. To me, it’s not a choice. I have to improve.
As a former competitive athlete, it’s just natural for me to
want to improve. When you play a
sport, you do so because you are always trying to get better at it. The only way you get better is to
accept feedback and use it to move forward and get better. If you don’t get better, it’s “on you”. And, yes, I’ve played for some of the
harshest coaches you can imagine.
Most would say that they border on verbal and physical abuse. In those days, there wasn’t a lot of
emphasis on how the message was delivered, it was just delivered, deal with
it. Yes, I’m a bit scarred from
it. I think that’s one of the
reasons that when I coach and have a tough message to deliver, I spend a lot of
time thinking about the message, what I have to say, and how I have to say
it. Do I make mistakes? Sure. Am I always the best at it? No. Sometimes
emotions get in the way. However,
I try.
One of the things I struggle with these days in both my work
and personal life are people that refuse to accept feedback. In other words, they hear what you have
to say, and then for whatever reason, decide that they don’t need to do
anything. In a worst-case
scenario, they refuse to listen and say “don’t yell at me” or “don’t criticize
me”. Even in cases where you bend
over backwards to deliver the message as palatable as possible, they just don’t
want to listen. They would rather
accept things the way they are and keep doing what they’re doing.
I think some of it is related to change. Many people don’t like change. They’re comfortable with where things
are at, where they’re at, and would rather just keep going the way they are
going. Anytime there is a change,
there is a risk. A risk that you
will be worse off than before, or that you’ll lose what you have. That’s a natural fear. However, you have to also look at the
other side of things. Change may
mean that you are better than before or have more than before. Yes, we are just talking about change
to a personal trait or behavior, so it may not be as dramatic as another change
in your life. But, change is
change no matter how big or small that change is, and it draws a natural flitch
reaction in many people.
The other thing that I find frustrating is when others
expect to give you feedback and expect you to change, but when you ask them to
do the same, they refuse. I will
accept feedback, even when it’s difficult to hear. However, I am less likely to use that feedback to change
when the person making the request is not willing to do the same. I feel that life is about compromise,
and when you have expectations of others, you should expect at least the same
from yourself. If not, you
shouldn’t expect others to change.
When I reflect on my career at DecisionPoint, and since
DecisionPoint, I look at many situations where I or we could have done better
or improved. Our ability to
improve was related to our ability to accept feedback and adjust and change
along the way. There are several
instances at DecisionPoint where we did not accept the feedback, but stubbornly
continued to do what we were doing, while trying to do it harder or
better. Looking back, our time
would have been better spent listening to the feedback we were receiving and
doing a better job to incorporate that feedback and change. While we were relatively successful
doing what we were doing, I often wonder what we could have done had we been
more open to change based on feedback from others. It reminds me of a quote I have often used: “What’s the definition of
insanity? Doing the same thing
over and over again…expecting different results”.
My advice to those reading this blog entry now is to reflect
on whether you are someone that accepts feedback and is willing to adapt and
adjust based on that feedback. If
not, please think about whether you can change your approach. You will often find that even the
smallest changes based on the feedback of others will have a dramatic
improvement on you or your current situation. The first step in that journey is to be able to be able to
get over the intense negative feelings that some of the feedback can stir up,
process the feedback for what it is, and then do what you can to use that
feedback to improve.
As I’ve often said, “accept change, and find out what you
are truly capable of”. It’s not
easy, and will never be. However,
if you do, you might be amazed at what you can accomplish.
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